Thursday, June 29, 2006,5:52 PM
A hickup along the way
BUT... this is NOT going to stop me!!
I was planning on seeing NYC upon arrival in the US, seeing as my plane lands their.
Michael was going to come pick me up and we were going to spend a couple of days touring the Big Apple. But fate has it that Michael won't be able to make it and so I will have to catch yet another plane to reach my final destination.

It sucks, when you've made all sorts of plans and were hoping to see so many different cool things, but I know that in the end it's going 5to be a great summer nonetheless. I am going to spend three amazing months with the man of my life.
AND I'M LEAVING IN 13 DAYS - I can't wait!!!

On a side note... sometimes there are are friends out there overlooking our shoulder that we never even knew about. It feels good to know that someone cares!
Merrin dedicated a song to me. Thank you for being there!


Missy Higgins - The Special Two


I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realized that conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'Cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another's,
'Cause we're the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place could soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
Oh But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not
Let you down 'cause we were the special two, and will be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
'Cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another's
And we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eyes for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
These hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another's
'Cause we're the special two.

 
posted by sunshinecity ¤ Permalink ¤ 1 comments
Monday, June 19, 2006,9:44 PM
Revampin'

Like the new look???
I thought I'd turn a new page... in more than one department, hence the fresh new look. Dig it?? I do.
Can't say the blog template is mine, but I did personalise it some, tweaked the code here and there, added personalised link buttons etc etc. Fun fun!! I know... you can tell I have lots of free time on my hands... but it's better than spending it in front of the TV right??
Anyways, hope you dig my new home. Grab your self a drink, sit back, relax and stay a while!
 
posted by sunshinecity ¤ Permalink ¤ 1 comments
Sunday, June 18, 2006,3:05 AM
Tick-tock
 
posted by sunshinecity ¤ Permalink ¤ 0 comments
Saturday, June 17, 2006,3:11 PM
If you're not the one - Daniel Bedingfield
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wannna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maime my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And Im praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
 
posted by sunshinecity ¤ Permalink ¤ 0 comments
Friday, June 16, 2006,6:29 PM
At the end of the rainbow
There comes a time when you need to burst and I think I have done so in the past few weeks. Sometimes it's not even a cry for help, it's just a way to tale all the things bottled up and setting them free all in one go, with one huge great bang!
I think I may have concerned a few people though, and that wasn't my intention. So maybe a bit of clarifying is needed.
Well... nothing really to clarify but I want to get some things out in the open.

I am very much in love with Michael and I know he is the right man for me.
We sometimes clash over small things because, inevitably, we are two different people. We come from different cultural and social backgrounds, grew up with different conventions and are of course of different nationalities. It has never been a problem, though of course our individuality will sometimes conflict. It's only normal that two people sometimes don't see eye to eye. Every couple knows that, even sibblings know it.
For the past two years Michael has made me happier than anyone really ever has. I don't want to make comparisons with the past, as I was much younger when I was with my ex and some things don't have the same importance as when you're in a relationship in your late 20s. He initially became a great friend, someone I confided in and someone who saw in me more than others saw. He is a wonderful man and he has a very big heart. He is generous, very patient and has all those qualities I often lack a bit. Likewise, I have some certain traits in my personality that he sometimes lacks. I wouldn't say we are opposites... but in some respects we complete one another. Of course it causes reasons to squabble... but then again, together we make a great team, because we each rescue the other's short-comings.

I have no doubt in my mind that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't doubt him as a person, I don't doubt him as a husband, I don't doubt him as a father. I trust his good heart and know that he only has me in mind, what ever decision he makes. We may not see eye to eye on things, but I know he only has our best interests at heart. He lives life in simpler way that I do sometimes and I often envy him for it. He has a way of simplifying that sometimes makes life so much easier. I am pickier, less patient and always like having my way.
We're both far from perfect but we both have our qualities. We're good at different things but have many common interests.

I can't wait to embark on our life together. Start our own family, first as a new unit and then with a family of our own. The move doesn't scare me, even though I didn't expect this to happen a few years ago! I've been travelling all my life.
I made my first move when I was still a baby, only 6 months old, and haven't really stopped since. I changed countries and homes almost every four years and only in 1994 did I decide to make my last move. I promised myself that I was going to stay in Rome for good. And since then I've been happy, adjusted and content. Then Michael walked in to my life... and there went my plans!
It's funny sometimes how things never go as you'd planned... actually, I think you can probably always count on things not going as planned! One of Life's ways of playing tricks on us, I suppose!!
Anyways, as you can imagine the idea of moving again doesn't really scare me. I'm all too used to changing homes, friends, doctors, hairdressers, schools, etc... luckily no school to attend this time round! I am just looking forward to settling in and starting my new life. I only wish it happens soon!

All your comments, your thoughts and support, are much appreciated. I know there are people out there who care about me and worry about my sanity! Please just know that my bark is scarier than my bite. I may like to kick, scream and pull a hissy fit... but all in all I'm good. Sure, some days are more challenging than others and there are tmes when I feel alone and unhappy, but deep down I know it's just a passing phase... (ok a very damn long passing phase...) but somewhere hidden round the corner is my pot of gold. Sooner or later this will be over and it will have been worth it. I am very much in love, now more than ever and I feel blessed every day, knowing that I am lucky enough to have someone waiting for me, at the other end of the rainbow.
 
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Saturday, June 10, 2006,2:53 AM
At peace
I spent my birthday amongst the people who love me most. Dinner at home with my family, with a special menu, all for me:
home made italian super delicious lasagna, breaded veal escalopes and a super yummy chocolate chip cake. To die for! There were even candles: three... one for each decade!

It's as if Michael knew how I was feeling. I think he felt bad and made it up to me by spending his whole day with me. We laughed like we hadn't in ages... we bullshitted and spent much needed quality time together.

People say I need to look inside myself and find what I'm looking for right there. I know what I want, I know what I need... and I found it right there, in the arms of a man thousands of miles away.
July is just a few days down the road. Then finally I will be at peace.


Just the Two of Us
Bill Withers

I see the crystal raindrops fall
And see the beauty of it all
Is when the sun comes shining through
To make those rainbows in my mind
When I think of you some time
And I want to spend some time with you

Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and I

We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted waters's all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow
Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait to late
We got to go for all we know

I hear the crystal raindrops fall
On the window down the hall
And it becomes the morning dew
Darling, when the morning comes
And I see the morning sun
I want to be the one with you
 
posted by sunshinecity ¤ Permalink ¤ 1 comments
Monday, June 05, 2006,12:31 AM
Who am I kidding?
I'm 30 and I'm unhappy...
I'm unhappy with my life, where I am, what I'm not and what I'm supposed to be.
I have a boyfired who doesn't even remember I have this blog. I miss him and he's not around. When we talk it's never enough. He's always working and our time zones are different.
For him if we don't talk now, it'll be later. If it's not today it'll be tomorrow.
He never gives out the vibe that he can't wait to talk to me.
I just get the feeling that thigns are different. I'll see him soon, but the wait is killing me. Yet he's always chilled, always ok... never upset. If he talks to me fine, if not it's fine too. Where is the anguish, where is the want, where is the need? I feel like it' always the same, no matter what, whether he talks to me or not, life is the same. It's not damn it!
We were supposed to spend time together today because it's his day off. W did, for some part. I know I can't deny him his life, his free time. Time to do other things he can't do when he's not working. Sure... I'm not saying he can't but... he just doesn't give off the vibe that me minds that he can't spend it with me.

I'm unhappy. I know I'm loved but don't feel it. Am I being too needy? Maybe. Am I seeking attentoin? Probably. Yet no matter how many times I try making tis clear to him he doesn't grasp it. It's always me who wants too much. I demand, I ask, I expect. It's always me going overboard, never him who is unproviding, never him who isn't complying. How can I back off? How can I shut off what I feel? What can I do if I want and expect more?
Why is it so hard to understand that I just want to feel that I'm missed. I want to be shown that life really isn't the same without me there. Or is it?
It seems like he doesn't really feel all this urge to spend time with me. Like he doesn't really want to talk to me, or have much to say. Sure, we talk every day, I know it's not like there are things we need to catch up on. But still.... this is the man I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with.
I know it'll be different when we'll be together again, but I need him now. I feel lonely now.

I don't know what it is, but I've been unhappy for a long time now. I'm not myself. I feel awful. I haven't smiled in ages, not from the inside. And I can't recall the last time I was in a good mood. Every time I anticipate talking to him and then do I jsut get this "tone". There's never excitement in his voice. I know it might not directly be me, but I need to hear it. It kills me to hear when he's down, or when he's pissd off or what ever. It rubs off on me and I jsut don't need it ight now.
I know it's the ongoing joke about how women always ask a man "what's wrong" and nothing ever is.... but then why give off the impression that something is? Don't you know that how you feel leaves a trace? If you're ok then why give out that impression?

I just feel sad, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I feel awful and I don't know why. Maybe I'm just fed up. Fed up with so many things I don't know where to begin. Maybe I'm fed up of not getting what I deserve, of not having what I expected to have achieved already. I don't ask for much really. I jsut want some time to spend with the person I love. Is that really too much to ask?
Why leave me alone when you know it hurts? Is it just me who cares?
Then I get told off for beng too mean and saying that's its hurtful to say that he doesn't care, when he does. When all he does is for me, or for us. But I'm tired of waiting for the long term benefits. I want something immediate. I want you to show me your love now!

It's midnight and you didn't even look at the clock to wish me happy birthday. And I'm so stupid for even holding a grudge for somethign so stupid, because the way I'm feeling right now, I'm grasping on to anything. Anything to make me feel better.
And I can't find it.

I'm 30 and haven't learned yet.
Tomorrow's my birthday and I really don't have much to smile for.
I'm for if this makes others laugh and if it insults those who have bigger and more serous problems than me. Really I am. I apologise.... but right now I need to yell and no one's there to hug me afterwards.
 
posted by sunshinecity ¤ Permalink ¤ 4 comments
Sunday, June 04, 2006,10:13 PM
The big 3-0 up ahead....

So the sign says it all.. I'm headed for the big 3-0 and there's no turning back!

Tomorrow's my birthday and I reach yet another of life's major goals. Somehow you imagine turning 30 to be some sort of major event, like a point in your life where you sum up your achievements so far... or that's how I've always perceived it anyways.
If I was to tally up my achivements so far, compared to other people's, I'm sure I'd have many things to list. I've been fortunate to have seen so much of the world already, having lived in all the places I have. I managed to finish university and get my degree. I can fluently speak two languages. Oh... I've had my appendix out and! What more is there out there that a girl my age could possibly want, right?

Somehow, though, I feel deprived of what is my biggest goal yet. I am still craving the career I so feel I deserve. I'm still waiting for my chance, for my one opportunity. As Eminem so bluntly put it "You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo".
I'm still patiently waiting...

I'm also waiting for my papers. Waiting for my VISA to come through, waiting for the moment that will seal my fate forever. Waiting for the rest of my life to begin. Waiting for everything to be in order so I can marry Michael.
I'm also waiting for this month to fly by. Waiting for july 12th to arrive so I can go catch my plane and be with Michael again. Waiting for summer to arrive and enjoy my three months in the US.

There's a lot of waiting for me on the horizon, but I fortunately already have some certainties under the belt. Few things I know... and am sure of:

~ I have a man who is waiting for me and loves me.

~ I have the strength to do anything I want to.

~ I just have to be patient!

I don't know what lies ahead as I venture into my 31st year... so far the ride's been fun and definately surprising! After having sworn I'd never leave Italy again, that coming to Rome was going to be my last move, I now await yet another move.
Let's hope that everything I'm waiting for arrives soon!
 
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